Honestly, I am conflicted and don’t know how exactly to feel about my cousin Lexxa’s death. I am trying to accept the fact that I will never see her again, and I am resentful and deeply sad that she choose not to save herself. Because of the stronghold of her addiction, she wasn’t able to make the decision that would have lead her down a much different path.
One lesson I have taken away from her death is not to live in fear, but to realize that you have the power to choose between life and death. The power is frightening, but at least you have a choice. That choice is something to be cherished, and to be taken very seriously. Anyone who struggles with the ability to choose between life and death because of drugs should know that. And I believe that is something my cousin did not.
What I miss most about the time before Lexxa died is the fact that my family wasn’t as broken. The thing I would change if I could, was seeing my family so hurt.
I would take all of that pain away. As a result, though, I know my family is stronger. I know we will look after one another even more.
The hardest part about accepting her death, is accepting the dark confusion that comes with it. There are so many questions. Was she in pain? Did she know what she was doing, or was it an accident? Was there anything that could have changed that night for her? I will have to deal with not knowing the answers to these questions forever. It feels like I will never get used to the uncertainty and that it will never become better. Hopefully, this perspective will change with time.
On the bright side, I remember Lex as someone who was so full of life, so full of love and light that her little body couldn’t contain it all. There always seemed to be an energy bursting out of her pores, so bright and happy, that you couldn’t help but want some. It was contagious. Whenever you were around her, you felt happy too. She genuinely cared about every person she talked to. Everyone was worth her time. That is
something that I try to do each day now, is to make other people feel the way that she made me feel. If there was one thing I could tell her before she died, it would be how overjoyed I am to have someone like her be a part of my life, how her life will not be in vain, and that I love her more than anything.