On May 4th, 2013 my life changed forever. I received the call I was dreading for 2 years. The call from my best friend’s mom telling me that she was dead from a heroin overdose. I was immediately shattered in every way. I was absolutely shaken to my core. Even now, as I write this 9 months later, my hands shake from the shock that still remains. As the heroin gripped Lexxa stronger and as her life became more radical to support her lifestyle, I tried to prepare myself for the reality that I might receive the call. When it came, I realized that nothing could have ever prepared me. Lexxa was only 22 years old and less than 2 weeks away from her 23rd birthday when she died. That is crazy to me. I never really thought that someone so full of life could ever die so young.
Even though Lexxa was only 22 years old, she affected many people. I have never seen such an outpouring of love. It was absolutely amazing to see all the people who were touched by Lexxa’s life and death. She was so bold, so full of life. She literally just talked to everyone. She was always making new friends where ever she went. Her laugh… her laugh was so contagious and is definitely one of the things I miss most. Lexxa always taught me to be bold and spontaneous. She taught me that if you love someone to risk it all. She gave me advice that I couldn’t get from anyone else. She let her heart lead her in life. Staying up late, talking, and laughing are the moments I will miss most.
Watching a best friend struggle with addiction is heartbreaking. I watched her go in and out of rehab five times and still, heroin held a strong grip on her life. I wish our friendship could have gone back to when it didn’t revolve so much around her addiction. I regret the stupid, petty fights that took away time I could have spent with her. I would give anything to have even one of those days back.
I can’t even express how much Lexxa’s death has overwhelmed me. Her death affects me on a daily basis. I have days where it still literally takes my breath away, like it did when I first received the call. The idea of her really being gone leaves me gasping. Her death has left a huge, constant pain in my heart. I miss her dearly and I have days where I need her desperately.
I wish I would have asked her what she thought would happen to her family and friends if she did die. I wish she would have thought of us, but she thought that dying from a heroin overdose would never happen to her because she was “smart” and “careful” about it. I think that is a common thought with addicts, the thought that “Well, that will never happen to me.” I challenge addicts to ask themselves that question, “How would it affect my loved ones if I died tomorrow from my addiction?” To me, that is a key and profound question.
In the end, I cannot change what happened to Lexxa. It breaks my heart, but I hold onto the amazing memories I have and I am blessed to be close with her family and friends. I know we will get through this heartbreak together.
Rest in peace my dearest Lexxa, I miss you so much.